Friday, July 25, 2008

The Pregnancy Game

It’s pregnancy season again among Hollywood’s nubile, and not so nubile, women, who are increasingly photographed for magazines, supermarket tabloids and various blogs while parading around in bikinis that reveal the expanding nature of their midriffs. Their proud demeanor indicates that they believe their state of expectancy is an accomplishment few could ever achieve.
This is a cultural oddity which at one time would have been handed over to a science writer who specialized in procreation, but in the re-imagining of the L.A. by God Times, he has been downsized out the door. So I guess it’s up to me to make a few candid observations from the relative obscurity of my own blog.
I trace the prance of the pregnant celebrities back to that revealing Vanity Fair Magazine cover photograph of Demi Moore some time ago, in which she offered America a naked profile of her pregnancy in its 4th trimester. Well, anyhow, in its advanced stages.
This encouraged every female celebrity with sweet dreams of scoring the same notoriety to quickly begin wondering how to get themselves great with child and parade up and down the boardwalk or wherever for all to see. Those periodicals concerned with their activities realized that celebrity pregnancy was a cash cow and let loose the dogs of photography, which would be the paparazzi, and now even naturally obese women aren’t safe from the hairy beasts. “Are you pregnant or just fat?” they shout in the mantra of their new quest.
The subject of gravidity has become so all consuming that I am here today to explain just how it happens. The attitude of many readers of celebrity journals is that the pregnant women of Hollywood have achieved some sort of intellectual benchmark by getting themselves, well, knocked up; as though they have studied for it and passed a barrage of tests. The truth of the matter is all you have to do is get drunk and take off your clothes.
That will do it for many desiring to achieve the status of their cultural leader, Angelina Jolie, who became pregnant with twins and let it all hang out, big time. God knows what she will do next. Human cloning is not currently a legal option, but when you have star power, who knows?
It is probably wiser if one knows the name of the male sperm bearer, as it were, who impregnates her but that’s up to the individual female involved, who may or may not wish to know the identity of the guy she slept with. Some want picture IDs, other just want a stud.
My interest in the subject springs from two quarters: first a People Magazine cover photo of Angelina and Brad Pitt, the presumed father, promising to tell all about their new twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, names that are bound to make the news on their own someday if only for their lyrical qualities. Inside the magazine lurks the photograph of a slightly pouchy young woman under the heading, “Is Eva Pregnant?”
One might ask “Eva who?” at first glance, but that is quickly explained. She is Eva Longoria Parker, who, we learn, is attempting to look “frumpy” for her role in next season’s “Desperate Housewives,” in which, one supposes, her character will stuff herself with beer and sausages and sleep around with similarly inclined men who devote their lives to meeting frumpy women in bars.
So now, as I understand the trend, we are looking for celebrity women who are not pregnant in order to speculate why they aren’t and whether they are likely to become so. It is said that hotshot investigative bloggers have already obtained the sperm counts of many of Hollywood’s most eligible men, and those who aren’t so eligible, and are watching to see which women they are spending the most time with.
One of the more-or-less eligible men, People informs us, is someone named Balthazar Getty, who has already proved his virility by fathering four children. He was seen making out with Sienna Miller as his wife and kids vacationed nearby, if you can believe that little arrangement. Sienna was once “romantic,” by the way, with Jude Law and before him Matthew Ryes. A line forms to the right.
Is the Pre-Pregnancy Derby off and running again?
Not until Miley Cyrus assumes the permanent role of Hannah Montana and begins filling her shelves with how-to books. It may take awhile. She’s a rock star and they’re terribly slow learners.