Friday, July 25, 2008

The Pregnancy Game

It’s pregnancy season again among Hollywood’s nubile, and not so nubile, women, who are increasingly photographed for magazines, supermarket tabloids and various blogs while parading around in bikinis that reveal the expanding nature of their midriffs. Their proud demeanor indicates that they believe their state of expectancy is an accomplishment few could ever achieve.
This is a cultural oddity which at one time would have been handed over to a science writer who specialized in procreation, but in the re-imagining of the L.A. by God Times, he has been downsized out the door. So I guess it’s up to me to make a few candid observations from the relative obscurity of my own blog.
I trace the prance of the pregnant celebrities back to that revealing Vanity Fair Magazine cover photograph of Demi Moore some time ago, in which she offered America a naked profile of her pregnancy in its 4th trimester. Well, anyhow, in its advanced stages.
This encouraged every female celebrity with sweet dreams of scoring the same notoriety to quickly begin wondering how to get themselves great with child and parade up and down the boardwalk or wherever for all to see. Those periodicals concerned with their activities realized that celebrity pregnancy was a cash cow and let loose the dogs of photography, which would be the paparazzi, and now even naturally obese women aren’t safe from the hairy beasts. “Are you pregnant or just fat?” they shout in the mantra of their new quest.
The subject of gravidity has become so all consuming that I am here today to explain just how it happens. The attitude of many readers of celebrity journals is that the pregnant women of Hollywood have achieved some sort of intellectual benchmark by getting themselves, well, knocked up; as though they have studied for it and passed a barrage of tests. The truth of the matter is all you have to do is get drunk and take off your clothes.
That will do it for many desiring to achieve the status of their cultural leader, Angelina Jolie, who became pregnant with twins and let it all hang out, big time. God knows what she will do next. Human cloning is not currently a legal option, but when you have star power, who knows?
It is probably wiser if one knows the name of the male sperm bearer, as it were, who impregnates her but that’s up to the individual female involved, who may or may not wish to know the identity of the guy she slept with. Some want picture IDs, other just want a stud.
My interest in the subject springs from two quarters: first a People Magazine cover photo of Angelina and Brad Pitt, the presumed father, promising to tell all about their new twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, names that are bound to make the news on their own someday if only for their lyrical qualities. Inside the magazine lurks the photograph of a slightly pouchy young woman under the heading, “Is Eva Pregnant?”
One might ask “Eva who?” at first glance, but that is quickly explained. She is Eva Longoria Parker, who, we learn, is attempting to look “frumpy” for her role in next season’s “Desperate Housewives,” in which, one supposes, her character will stuff herself with beer and sausages and sleep around with similarly inclined men who devote their lives to meeting frumpy women in bars.
So now, as I understand the trend, we are looking for celebrity women who are not pregnant in order to speculate why they aren’t and whether they are likely to become so. It is said that hotshot investigative bloggers have already obtained the sperm counts of many of Hollywood’s most eligible men, and those who aren’t so eligible, and are watching to see which women they are spending the most time with.
One of the more-or-less eligible men, People informs us, is someone named Balthazar Getty, who has already proved his virility by fathering four children. He was seen making out with Sienna Miller as his wife and kids vacationed nearby, if you can believe that little arrangement. Sienna was once “romantic,” by the way, with Jude Law and before him Matthew Ryes. A line forms to the right.
Is the Pre-Pregnancy Derby off and running again?
Not until Miley Cyrus assumes the permanent role of Hannah Montana and begins filling her shelves with how-to books. It may take awhile. She’s a rock star and they’re terribly slow learners.


larry said...

"4th trimester" Absolutely brilliant! I snorted out loud.

Steven & Sun Tzu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Richrorex said...

Why do Hollywood types think we care? Pregnacy, odd names, outrageous behavior, so what? The only good things are the police mug shots we get to see on the evening news.The Chicago Tribune of Los Angeles even has a section called "Image". This is the first section that goes straight to the recycly bin, along with "Guide."

Steven and Sun Tzu said...

No intelligence required for pregnancy, just animal magnetism. Intelligence only matters as elements of selection involving nature and nurture come into play. With sufficient numbers and resources to survive, the human race continues growing. Funny, the Energizer Bunny comes to mind. I have no idea why.

twinkbait1 said...

Hollywood types care, because they get millions for the pics (e.g., Jessica Alba), or...even if they give the cash paid for the pics to charity, they can make the rags grovel for the 2nd set they, "may" bestow upon them later on, and make a bundle on those. Among other vaguely blackmailing techniques they (the stars) engage in, and why I don't care if the paparazzi harass the (fill in the expletive here)_____ out of their mindless little carcasses.

Sadly, these "baby bump projects" are now moving down to the teen level. How long will it be until the Hannah Montana replacement to be discovered will get the nod because she's 9 years old and already expecting, along with multiple million dollar offers in the wings?

Heaven forbid we even discuss the immorality of yes, sex before marriage, let alone having a "bastard" because the parents are just, "Life Partners." Real nice for the kid, and a great example for the rest of the onlookers in (M)TVland.

Thank you Vanity Fair for making such a find contribution to our great country!

Diane Germano said...

Al, forgive me for correcting you. It is not pregnancy season -- again -- celebrity pregnancy is now a permanent and ongoing state. A season of it, I could handle.
As for Mr. Getty, he cheated before he married an heiress, he himself was pennyless. His "virility," he admitted was compromised by his heroine addition, their first child almost died after birth. Modern medical miracles gave him three more.
And, God forgive me, little Miley will most likely be pregnant within the year.
What many people do not know is that in France, one must register a child's birth name with the government, in an attempt to avoid teasing. That being the case the lyricalness was forced upon the Jolie/Pitt? parents.
Humans have walked this earth a bit too long, methinks. I say, let the whole kit and kabootle go to the dogs!

Father Luke said...

I fucked them.

- -
Father Luke

Long-time RN said...

It seems a baby is the latest 'accessory' to the Hollywood rich and famous. Can't help but wonder who's taking care of all those adorable little dogs-in-arms that have been replaced with adorable diaper wearing offspring. But hey, how generous of Jolie/Pitts to donate the wads of $$ put up for exclusive photos of their new dynamic duo to charity. Sadly, all the publicity and glamour of having children out of wedlock (and at such early ages as the younger Ms Spears), influences young females to think this path is perfectly normal and the 'in-thing' to do. Ugh. Baby-bumps sell, that is, until the next trend appears on the scene. Is it too dramatic thinking the world is in it's 4th trimester and delivery, to God knows where, may be imminent?

Grace said...

I don' think I can improve on that, Al. You really put the issue into perspective. The way Angelina Jolie is being venerated you would think she was the second coming. In Time magazine there was a painting of her as a madonna with a halo on her head and elsewhere I have seen her depicited as an angel or saint. Why? Just because she got pregnant and adopted some kids? There must be some inner city people doing that same thing. Do you hear about them? Oh, yes. She travels to third world countries. Does that mean she gets in and gets her hands dirty? She is so admired because she is a charismatic movie siren.

dm94015 said...

Why don' people respect the children of these
actors and entertainers.
Are we that jaded? My heart aches for the children
and spouses that are left for dead.
One never knows what may happen to one!
Be careful you all!

Michele McGee-Yepiz said...

The upside to the popularity of unwed celebes' pregnancies, illegitimate children are no longer tainted.

Gary Eisenberg said...

Another jewel, Al! What I can fathom is why there is a market for this nonsense in the first place! Well, maybe this pregnancy-for-the-media thing is new, but there are somethings that never change. During the course of the prior two centuries, two thinkers hit the nail on the head: 1) Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."; and 2)Voltaire: "The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity." I suppose the one good thing about all this nonsense is that it makes for good copy. Carry on!

Barbara Alcott said...

your column was pretty funny and I really had a good laugh at the comments of your readers. This "in your face pregnancy" style going on since Demi Moore started it is a pretty sad role model for the next generations to come. Hopefully there are enough parents out there who will bring up their children with a sense of decency to override the ills of Hollywood. It amazes me what people will do for entertainment and how such obscene and obnoxious behaviors can command millions of dollars.

June Moffatt said...

It wasn't sop long ago that it was shameful to display a pregnancy. The pendulum will swing back, though I hope not as far as it once did.